Today I read a book called Permission to Speak Freely written by my friend, Anne Jackson. She shared essays about all the things we "can't" talk about in the church. Issues like: depression, abuse, lack of faith, sex, anger, etc. She candidly offers her faith journey full of highs and lows, pains and graces. A great read for those wounded by the church and for those who love the church.
Then, tonight I watched MTV's (I know, not my normal routine) show "If You Really Knew Me" featuring students at my alma mater, Paris High School. Students worked on breaking down barriers across ethnic, socioeconomic and gender lines. Several of the kids poured out years of hurts to other students who had no idea of the pain inside the "cool kid" or "jock."
After some group building activities they were asked to get into small groups of about six and finish the statement, "If you really knew me...." My heart broke as I listened to stories of abandonment, poor choices, harassment and ridicule. There is so much hurt, but none of them felt free to speak that hurt because they thought they were all alone! They realized they were not alone. Friendships were made and walls broken down, relationships restored because they opened up.
Where do you need to open up and share? What is inside you that needs to get out? How can we walk with you as you experience healing and wholeness through this confession of who you really are?
Let us know by completing the phrase: "If you really knew me......"
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If you really knew me, you would know that I LOVE Jesus & my family!If you really knew me, you would know that I am proud of the mother that God has allowed me to be to my children & even though I have turned out to be a respectable young woman, I struggled through childhood!You would know that drugs & alcohol deprived me of a mother & that my mother abandoned me when I was in the 2nd grade.You would know that I have seen & experienced things that no child should have ever had to witness. You would know that I came to Paris in the 3rd grade to come live with my dad & my dad raised me, while my mom was in & out of jail. You would know that I always struggled fitting in at school & home. You would know that my home life was always filled with inconsistancy, that both of my parents have been married 4 times a piece & I have never identified with a mother figure & now my children have a difficult time identifying who their grandparents are. However, on the otherhand, I have a combined # of 6 AMAZING brothers& sisters, one of which was killed in a car wreck my senior year of high school. If you really knew me you would know that I struggled with the emptiness & void left by my parents. If you really knew me, you would know that one day I decided to let go & let God & now my life is thouroughly fulfilled& I am so blessed in the life that I have had. It has taken me years to come to the simple conclusion that the things we experience in life are what makes us who we are & for that reason, I wouldnt trade my life for anything.
Thanks so much for sharing, Kendra.
If you really knew me, you'd know I never felt good enough, smart enough or worthy enough to be accepted and loved...even though I know rationally that's not true. Oh the lies we tell ourselves. You would know I struggled with severe depression and spent a good chunk of high school thinking about taking my life (and some days since then). You would know I was addicted to OTC painkillers during those years and that I still have to be careful, especially when taking prescription pain meds (when I had teeth pulled, etc.). You would know that I went to church but questioned if God was there and if so, if he cared. You would know I've lost four friends our age to disease, car wrecks and suicide and have wrestled with faith after each one. You would know that I need to cry and be held at times, even though I put on a mask and almost never allow myself to do either.
You would know that I am coming to understand that grace is freely given; there's nothing I can do to be "enough" to earn it, that I have to simply accept it. You would know that I am changing my views on church and ministry and what it means to love God and people. You would know that I am wrestling with being who I am as a minister; my place and role. Maybe not wrestling, but figuring out, identifying, owning my role. And, you would know how grateful I am to be in the place I am right now with the people I'm with right now.
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