If you don't slow down....

...your body will do it for you. Or at least, that's what I've learned in the last five months. While I don't want to sound like a broken record and I don't want to complain, it would be healthy for me to articulate where I've been and what I'm feeling about it.

During Holy Week in April I began experiencing severe pain in my lower abdomen. Excruciating, day stopping, stab-me-in-the-eye kind of pain. It didn't matter what I did, it just hurt.

I figured I was due for several different doctor's visits, so I made appointments. I had a sonogram done to check for cysts. Everything came back normal. But, I was still in pain. So, I went to my GP and had a CT done. Again, everything came back relatively normal. (There were a couple of non-important things that came up, but no worries there.)

So, my doctor prescribed me a medicine for colon spasms. While the medicine did help with the severity, but the frequency was worse than before. However, over the course of a couple of weeks, it finally started getting better.

Then, I went in for a follow up for that I was diagnosed with an upper respiratory infection. Got my beloved Z-pack and took it. And, it didn't help. It always works! Always! But not this time. So I went back and got a different antibiotic. I'm almost finished with this round and I'm still having some issues with my respiratory system. Still running a low grade fever several days a week. And, still without any energy at all.

I come home most every day and crash after work. I can run about 4-6 hours before I just flat run out of steam.

I am so frustrated. I really do think my doctor knows what he's doing and I know that all my tests have shown little that is helpful. I'm just tired of feeling bad all the time. It is beginning to wear on my spirit. Ministry is often very draining and in the last few weeks have proven that over and over. Between normal ministry and life drains, this has almost tipped the scales.

Fortunately, I have a wonderful pastor/boss/supervisor who understands and is supportive of me even when I'm so pathetic. She encourages me to rest when I need to and take time off when needed. It is so nice to have that level of understanding as I fight through this. Even in the midst of feeling bad and struggling to get the bare minimums done, I am so grateful for her leadership and support.

Rest...

Lately I've been considering the idea of Sabbath. Rest. Reflection. Rejuvenation. God commanded it and I have been good at ignoring it.

So, I've managed to carve out some time to just be--without much of a plan for doing. I recently house sat for some friends who live out in the country, complete with geese, a lake and wind chimes. A perfect setting for a few personal retreat days.

The first day was rough. I couldn't settle in. I was restless and couldn't stay focused on simply being, I needed to be "doing." By the end of the third day, I was doing better as just sitting and resting. And, what I found out was that I was completely exhausted. I had a list of things to do and had no energy to do them, so I didn't. I just was. And, that's okay.

So, a couple of weeks later, it's Saturday and the second day I haven't "worked." Sure, I wrote aboard report and need to look at Sunday school material for tomorrow, but I didn't go into the office and haven't spent all my time thinking about work.

In the last 48 hours I've: gone out to breakfast, browsed shelves at the public library (picked up two novels), finished one book and made progress in two others, washed my car and my dad's truck, got a massage, held a precious baby while he slept, slept in, took a nap, read outside, played with the dogs, watched basketball (it is March Madness after all!), washed dishes and did some laundry. -Okay, so a lot of that is work, but it's different work. It's what Barbara Brown Taylor calls "altars in the world"--ways we see God moving and giving us life in the midst of everyday activity.

And, even though I've done a bunch of things, the different pace of life the last two days have been good for me. As I continue to reflect on what it means to sabbath, rest and reflect, I hope to become more intentional about observing this practice.

No words...

What do you say when the unspeakable happens? What do you say when tragedy strikes? As a minister, I like to have to right words to say, but I rarely find myself in that position.

Thursday night I got word that the unspeakable had happened. A fellow seminary friend and classmate was violently killed in his church in North Texas. His church is just over two hours from the church I currently serve. Everyone is shocked and stunned. His family. His congregation. The Police. Truett Seminary. Ministers around the world. Me.

I'm not sure what to say. I'm not even sure what I feel.

Anger. Outrage. Grief. Pain. Shock. Numb. Questions. Fear. Sadness. That's part of it. But it goes deeper into words I don't have in my vocabulary. All this, and yet I didn't know him as well as so many others.

Even so, God is God. I am not; we are not. And I'm reminded, "Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, your perfect love is casting out fear..."




Lord, have mercy. Christ, have mercy. Lord, have mercy.

Pastoral Care

The past couple of weeks my pastor has been out of town for various reasons. She completed her second week of classroom work for her DMin at Brite Divinity School. And, she welcomed her first grandchild into the world this last Tuesday. Benjamin Thomas Coyle is doing well and is loved beyond what he knows.

So, while she's been learning and loving, I've been holding down the fort at the church. That means lots of pastoral care. We've had several people in the hospital and several more who are recovering from major medical procedures.

I've learned one major thing in this process. Something that I knew (in my head), but hadn't ever really practiced. Sometimes people just need to talk. And, they need someone to listen.

So, slow down and take time to really be present to people. Listen to what they say and what they don't say. Let them tell their story. That is as much pastoral care as praying or sitting with someone at the hospital or comforting someone after the loss of a loved one.

Listen.

And the verdict......

Keeping up with the goals I set for myself has already proved to be a challenge. It's only two and half weeks in, and I've missed some this early in the process!!

1. I've done a decent job of eating at home. I told my dad I was going to forget Sonic runs in the afternoons during 2011 as his birthday present for 2010. Actually, it was about all eating out, unless it was a planned event, like Clergy Girls or a ministry appointment or family dinner. You get the point....I've eaten fast food a couple of times and only been to Sonic once for a Diet Coke since Christmas.

2. I have been so busy with work the last three weeks that I have barely touched reading. I am currently working through Booker T. Washington's autobiography, Up From Slavery. And, I'm slowly making my way through Karl Barth's Church Dogmatics...very, VERY slowly. I should have at least three books finished; my count is zero. It will come.

3. I have paid down a good bit on debt this month, thanks to Christmas cash. Due to the rise in federal withholding taxes this year, I am bringing home less than last year...yes, even with the tax cut. The rise is bigger than the cut for me.....

4. I said I was going to post weekly on here in order to keep up with writing. Well, I haven't posted here, but I have been writing. I wrote a sermon for January 9th along with a communion meditation. Then, at 10:30pm Saturday the 15th, I got a call that our guest preacher was sick. So, I wrote a sermon and delivered it in less than 12 hours! That in addition to another communion meditation. And, I'm the guest speaker at our Disciples Women's Ministry General Meeting tomorrow, so more writing. Lots of writing, just not much posting. You can link to the sermon manuscripts here.

5. I am talking with a good friend and seminary professor at the end of this week to talk about some continuing professional growth opportunities. And, On January 29th, I will be traveling with a group from my church to an all day workshop in the Dallas area. I'm looking forward to it.

6. Ministry has been so busy with programs starting back up, extra responsibilities while Charlotte has been gone for continuing ed (two weeks ago) and vacation this week (to see her first grandchild born, sometime in the next 24 hours!), a funeral, surprise preaching engagements, etc. that life outside of work has been put on hold. However, I did meet my cousin for a cup of really good coffee in Downtown Paris last week. It was good to catch up and just sit for a while. --I might also add that I've had pneumonia for a chunk of this time, and a sinus infection that's flaring up again. Busy, busy, busy.


For now, I'm going to enjoy my mac and cheese, watered down Diet Coke and a good night's sleep.


Shalom.

New Year's Resolutions

Today is New Year's Eve, the traditional day that many people commit to doing better and being better in the next year. For me, this year marks the last year in my 20's. I'm thinking I need to work on some things before I hit 30 and the time has come. It's now or never. So, here are some of my goals for 2011.


1. Get healthy. Well, this may be a life long thing, but I need to eat better and work out regularly and take control back. (Even though I have an issue with wanting too much control!)

2. Read widely. I want to read at least 75 books in 2011. I have almost 300 in the archives on my Kindle account, and the library has several more on my list.

3. Finances. Live simply in order to give more.

4. Writing. I want to write more and this blog is one way. Expect a post at least once a week on what I'm reading or doing or what's going on in life

5. Professional growth. I am committing to enter a mentoring program with True Course Ministries out of Waco, Texas. Michael Godfrey is a wise man who has been in ministry for more than 30 years and I look forward to learning from him.

6. Getting a life. My pastor, whom I love and respect more than she knows, told me one day to "get a life." By that she meant, get out in the community, enjoy life, experience things, have fun. She was right. I need to do that more often. And, I need to intentionally build community with people that are in my age range. I spend a lot of time with a lot of people, but very few are in the 20's-30's range. Here's to life!

I think that may be more than enough for 2011. I have a lot of ministry goals as well, but I want to have a record of the personal ones as well. I'll check back in every so often to let you know how I'm doing on them.

Grace and peace.

Goals in 2010

Well, it's the end of December so I thought it might be good to look back at the goals I set for myself at the beginning of the year. It's a mixed bag this time around. I accomplished some and came close on others (or am actively working on them); other goals are a complete wash.

So here is the verdict:

1. Reading books---As of December 28, I have read 51 books. My goal for the year was 52. Consider it completed! (I have three I am currently working on and should have at least one finished before Saturday rolls around.)

2. Work out---fail.

3. Spend time with people---I'm still learning how to do this, but find myself really working to focus on them instead of the five million other things during the conversation. So, making progress.

4. Journal and write---for the most part, fail. I haven't done much creative expression work. A couple of sermons, yes. Lessons for youth, yes. But not much in the way of my intention.

5. Work to simplify finances---Working on it. Credit card is less than at the beginning of the year. I am gainfully employed, and living with my folks where I am only paying a few bills (my phone, insurance, credit card, etc). So, this one is in the "making progress stage, too.

6. Free entertainment--In spite of my pastor/boss telling me to "get a life," I have done okay in this realm. Watched movies in the park over the summer, read books from the library, gotten 300 free fluff books with my kindle apps (notice they are free too!) and watched my youth play soccer and band instruments throughout the fall. So, I say, completed.

7. I've thought a good bit about starting a DMin program, especially since Charlotte began her DMin at Brite this fall. However, I'm still debating topics, emphases and even schools at this point. So, making progress.



So, the total.

2=completed! 3=making progress! 2=fail.

But, that's okay. I have made some good strides and hope I am better for it. Hang around the next few days to see the goals for 2011.

grace and peace.