When you just don't "feel" the Christmas Spirit...

I'm part of a Facebook group of young clergy women. One of them asked about the "emotions" of Christmas and how we deal with it when we don't "feel it." I can relate. While I have a fairly high Birkman score on the emotional side of things, I am such a control freak that I want to control what emotions I show. I don't tend to be overly dramatic about much of anything without some serious effort. And, Christmas is one season where that is especially so.

I've walked with lots of people in the last few weeks who are experiencing the hard, daunting, painful tasks that life brings. Death. Divorce. Serious illness. Financial crisis. Loss of faith. This year just hasn't seemed joyful and I wasn't quite sure what to do with that. I couldn't force or fake being happy and joyful. And, I'm okay with knowing I don't really have to be.

For this year at least, I have re-framed what Christmas means. I focused on incarnation....the totality of incarnation. Christ came, put on flesh and walked the dusty roads of this broken world in order to live life fully. And, to show us what it means to live life to the fullest. (Seems like John said something about that, too.) Living life fully means Christ experienced heartache, pain, grief, betrayal, hunger, exhaustion and frustration. And yet, we saw how He engaged all of those things. He didn't run from them or try to lessen the effects. He lived fully; He lived faithfully. We see how to walk the journey with trust and hope that one day all will be right.

That day isn't today. And it won't be tomorrow. But, we if we have experienced this world in a more full way (by engaging the good, the bad, the ugly and the beautiful), we can help walk with others who need to be pointed toward the wholeness we find in God's kingdom which is both now and ever-coming.

This reshaping has helped me make more sense of the current situation I find myself in as I think about what the appropriate "emotions" are for this holy season.


Grace and peace.

Barth in 2012

Once again, I am attempting to read through Church Dogmatics in the years 2012 and 2013. Spurred on by one of my seminary professors (Mike Stroope) I am going to take the challenge.

My friend Jerry and I will be starting a blog specifically for our Barth and CD reading some time soon. Hopefully, that will keep me focused and determined to stick it out. And, I really do want to do this. I just get sidetracked with so much other reading and work responsibilities.

Barth may be one of the greatest, if not THE greatest, theologian on the 20th century. I know I may not agree with all he says, but it's important work to wrestle with and think critically about theology. Doing that in conversation with great theologians and good friends help a lot and offers a range of understanding.

More to come as we embark on the journey.

Grace and peace.

Another Set of Goals...

Every year I set some goals at the onset of the calendar. 2012 will be no different. Below I will list several goals I want to accomplish and then I'll check in periodically and let you know how I'm doing.


1. Work through health issues - 2011 has been the year for wacky, crazy, but non-life-threatening medical issues. A bad abdominal pain that was diagnosed as colon spasms. An eternal (4 month) upper respiratory infection (along with some bronchitis). Bad reaction to meds for my lungs that is causing fairly significant leg pain: hips, knees, feet, tendonitis, cramps, general pain that leads to difficulty in sitting and lying down. Then, a diagnosis of asthma. So, this year, lose weight to help with all that and do what it takes to get back to where I was six months ago.

2. Read - 75 books already on my list. Hope to be much closer in 2012 than in 2011. About 35 books in 2011.

3. Barth Reading - I'm going to be faithful to read through the Dogmatics. I was going to do this in 2011, but quickly gave up. I'm going to push through in 2012 and 2013 to read through the entire work. About 15 pages a day.

4. Engage in intentional community - FCC has some amazing young adults that have started coming. We are meeting once a month to eat and share life and prayer and community. Also, a new group of young adults have started gathering for what we call "Faith on Tap." We meet once a month and talk about faith and how to live out our particular brand of faith in the world. This is good, healthy, life-giving community.


I could go on and on about goals, but four seems to be a good number to actually attempt.


Now off to see how much of 2011's goals I can manage to squeeze in before the clock strikes midnight.

Grace and peace.

Goals for 2011

Well, here we are in October of 2011 and I've only checked in on goals once this year!? Of course, I haven't done all that well, so I'm not wanting to update.

1. Get Healthy - I've lost a little weight, but nothing that is intentional. In fact, I've had some pretty crazy medical things going on the last six months. For the last three months I've been fighting a respiratory/sinus infection that keeps trying to move into pneumonia. I have had four, yes FOUR, rounds of antibiotics and it just isn't working. So, I am meeting with my doctor on Monday to talk about seeing a specialist. I can't handle not being able to breathe and running a constant low grade fever much longer. And, I can't handle many more days of this low blood pressure either. Hopefully, better health is coming soon.

2. Read Widely - I've read widely, but I haven't read nearly as much as I intended. I have finished 24 books and am in process with four. One of those is Les Miserables. It's 1200-1400 pages in print depending on which translation you get. I'm reading it on my Kindle app, so I'm 50% through it. I am also reading a book about the future of AIDS, a book about a man who grew up in East Texas during the days of the great depression and segregation, and a book about church transformation.

3. Finances - Well, I'm not as far along as I'd like, but I haven't done anything too outlandish. And, I've received some generous gifts from several house sitting gigs this year. I'm moving out on my own (well, that's a relative phrase) in the next several weeks, so this is becoming a more pressing issue to attend to.

4. Writing - This is very low on my Birkman score and true to that, I haven't written as much as I'd like. I know it is good for me. I need to talk through my ideas and fears and dreams. Writing is one way to "talk" but I prefer talking with my voice rather than a pen. I need to make this a priority.

5. Professional growth - I finished up my Licensed Minister's Training program in April. It was good, helpful to understand what it means to be Disciples. I have done some theological reading and some "fun" reading that I would count in this. And, I spent three months in a professional coaching relationship with True Course Ministries. That too was helpful.

6. Getting a Life - I have found some friends my own age in recent days. They starting coming to the church and we hit it off pretty quickly. We now spend some time during the week talking about life and faith and stuff. In fact, we are trying to meet all together at least once a month for fellowship.

Overall, this is still a work in progress. I'm not going to make some of the goals, but that's okay. It's having goals that move us forward further than no goals at all. I believe I will be able to say that I am better for having set them and at least checked in on them several times a year.

Shalom.

If you don't slow down....

...your body will do it for you. Or at least, that's what I've learned in the last five months. While I don't want to sound like a broken record and I don't want to complain, it would be healthy for me to articulate where I've been and what I'm feeling about it.

During Holy Week in April I began experiencing severe pain in my lower abdomen. Excruciating, day stopping, stab-me-in-the-eye kind of pain. It didn't matter what I did, it just hurt.

I figured I was due for several different doctor's visits, so I made appointments. I had a sonogram done to check for cysts. Everything came back normal. But, I was still in pain. So, I went to my GP and had a CT done. Again, everything came back relatively normal. (There were a couple of non-important things that came up, but no worries there.)

So, my doctor prescribed me a medicine for colon spasms. While the medicine did help with the severity, but the frequency was worse than before. However, over the course of a couple of weeks, it finally started getting better.

Then, I went in for a follow up for that I was diagnosed with an upper respiratory infection. Got my beloved Z-pack and took it. And, it didn't help. It always works! Always! But not this time. So I went back and got a different antibiotic. I'm almost finished with this round and I'm still having some issues with my respiratory system. Still running a low grade fever several days a week. And, still without any energy at all.

I come home most every day and crash after work. I can run about 4-6 hours before I just flat run out of steam.

I am so frustrated. I really do think my doctor knows what he's doing and I know that all my tests have shown little that is helpful. I'm just tired of feeling bad all the time. It is beginning to wear on my spirit. Ministry is often very draining and in the last few weeks have proven that over and over. Between normal ministry and life drains, this has almost tipped the scales.

Fortunately, I have a wonderful pastor/boss/supervisor who understands and is supportive of me even when I'm so pathetic. She encourages me to rest when I need to and take time off when needed. It is so nice to have that level of understanding as I fight through this. Even in the midst of feeling bad and struggling to get the bare minimums done, I am so grateful for her leadership and support.

Rest...

Lately I've been considering the idea of Sabbath. Rest. Reflection. Rejuvenation. God commanded it and I have been good at ignoring it.

So, I've managed to carve out some time to just be--without much of a plan for doing. I recently house sat for some friends who live out in the country, complete with geese, a lake and wind chimes. A perfect setting for a few personal retreat days.

The first day was rough. I couldn't settle in. I was restless and couldn't stay focused on simply being, I needed to be "doing." By the end of the third day, I was doing better as just sitting and resting. And, what I found out was that I was completely exhausted. I had a list of things to do and had no energy to do them, so I didn't. I just was. And, that's okay.

So, a couple of weeks later, it's Saturday and the second day I haven't "worked." Sure, I wrote aboard report and need to look at Sunday school material for tomorrow, but I didn't go into the office and haven't spent all my time thinking about work.

In the last 48 hours I've: gone out to breakfast, browsed shelves at the public library (picked up two novels), finished one book and made progress in two others, washed my car and my dad's truck, got a massage, held a precious baby while he slept, slept in, took a nap, read outside, played with the dogs, watched basketball (it is March Madness after all!), washed dishes and did some laundry. -Okay, so a lot of that is work, but it's different work. It's what Barbara Brown Taylor calls "altars in the world"--ways we see God moving and giving us life in the midst of everyday activity.

And, even though I've done a bunch of things, the different pace of life the last two days have been good for me. As I continue to reflect on what it means to sabbath, rest and reflect, I hope to become more intentional about observing this practice.

No words...

What do you say when the unspeakable happens? What do you say when tragedy strikes? As a minister, I like to have to right words to say, but I rarely find myself in that position.

Thursday night I got word that the unspeakable had happened. A fellow seminary friend and classmate was violently killed in his church in North Texas. His church is just over two hours from the church I currently serve. Everyone is shocked and stunned. His family. His congregation. The Police. Truett Seminary. Ministers around the world. Me.

I'm not sure what to say. I'm not even sure what I feel.

Anger. Outrage. Grief. Pain. Shock. Numb. Questions. Fear. Sadness. That's part of it. But it goes deeper into words I don't have in my vocabulary. All this, and yet I didn't know him as well as so many others.

Even so, God is God. I am not; we are not. And I'm reminded, "Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, your perfect love is casting out fear..."




Lord, have mercy. Christ, have mercy. Lord, have mercy.